Much more about me (revealed)

I just suddenly felt that I am too childish and I still hate myself.
Perhaps I am yet to discover myself in whichever way which can make me
feel contented. Perhaps I am just as useless as I think I am. Perhaps
the thinking had already taken over the best out of me and making me
feel this way and worst BE this way.

Thinking back to the past which I had once been looking into so
carefully previously, it is seen that many things which had happened.
Thinking again. I am no longer as useful as before. I am unable to do as
many stuffs which I once done. Where had all the motivation gone to?

Thinking back again. Seeing me learning a lot of knowledge in such a
short period of time. I still do not understand why am I wasting time
not doing anything. Knowledge is to be gain by effort. I really do
admire people who has that capabilities. I still do not know why am I
not YEARNING FOR IT and NOT WANTING IT. Deep inside I want it however my
mind tells me to slow down as I can get it without effort. I hate that
for myself. I hate that feeling. I want to make things happen with my
own effort. My own thoughts. My own ideas. My originality. Darn time is
passing me by as I type. Wasting again. What can be done? Perhaps I
should try to be glad that I am breathing till this point of time.

I just hate myself. Hating so hard that I am losing myself. Making
things so difficult for myself when everything is actually easy.
Thinking too much just make me feel a bit backwards. I do not want to
fall that badly this time. I am putting effort to making things work.
Why am I so lazy? Why can't I be the more hardworking person? I cannot
end like this. My parents will be so disappointed for the fact that I am
trying my best ONLY at the very last minute. Not from the beginning. How
long can I lie to myself? Tell me...How LONG?!!

I just kept wondering again. Wondering endlessly into the deep path
which had many split paths which leads me to confusion. The problem is
until this moment in time, I felt I have not know enough to stand on my
own. People are getting ready for the battle. I am just still learning
how to enter the battle field. Things are getting worst from what I can
see in mind. Why do I have such ability to see into the near future but
I am unable to express them out. Perhaps my ideas was not supported by
the knowledge which I am having up to this point of time.

I still hate myself. I quit learning hard stuffs when I was young. I am
not regreting. Hoping to pick them up slowly. I need to perform super
human task from now onwards. I can no longer sit back and relax and
enjoy a normal relaxable life. Why must this be? Why things that I
always yearn for always been so close this time and leaving me NOW? No
longer part of the grasp of my hand. Already gone. Far gone.

I am lost. Just so lost. Hoping to find a short path out from the
miserable maze. I am yet to find the perfect exit yet. I am yet to find any to be honest. So, what should I be doing now? What should I be DOING NOW?! You tell me. I can no longer hold back and tell myself. I am falling apart...breaking apart..I am just another pretender which have this double face. Facing people outside as a normal person. Looking back at myself from the inside. That is not really me. I do believe I can do better than this. I am just suffering so much that I felt like giving up this chance in life.

Miserable as it is. I just can't stop typing so much trash here. Perhaps I am already too tired and sick of lying to myself for such a long time. Faking things...it is so fake. I am not me..How can the perfect me show himself. Perhaps not perfect enough. I know this I know that, but seems that I did not put them in practical practice. It is as good as being nothing of those that I have in mind. Heart says want to go but physically my ass will put me down the chair and make it refuses to move.

Tired, sickening, fattening...I am at lost. Losing most of anything which includes nearly everything. Gosh

1.24pm 18 October 2008